paula treick deboard
  • Home
  • About paula
  • Books
    • Here We Lie
    • The Drowning Girls
    • The Fragile World
    • The Mourning Hours
  • paula's blog
  • MISCELLANEA
  • What I'm Reading
  • Contact

Warning: this blog is haphazardly maintained. I blame the author. 

Life Has Been a Lot Lately

5/10/2023

1 Comment

 
I sat down in Jenessa’s chair yesterday and for two hours talked about life, my dad, my upcoming plans while she foiled and washed and cut and styled my hair (so long overdue, she really had her work cut out for her), and afterwards felt like I’d just been to therapy. It’s good to talk about things. It’s good to have the words out there in the world, and so I’ll say them here, too.
 
My dad is dying. Not in the sense that we are all dying, sooner or later, by ways we thankfully can’t imagine, but in the all-too-real, hospital bed and oxygen machines way. He’s reached Stage 4 of his COPD, and while it’s hard to know how much time is left, it’s clear the time is shrinking.
 
There’s much to be done, and that’s kicked me into high gear. I’ve always been able to perform on demand. I’m able to compartmentalize quite well: meet with a hospice care team one day and give a final exam the next, for example, as if two entirely different women are performing these very different tasks.
 
I’m less good at sitting, listening, reflecting. When I’m still, the ache in my heart is too heavy. I can feel it pulling me down, the weight of things said and unsaid, done and undone.
 
And so, I keep moving.
 
**
 
It’s a Wednesday morning and I’m at home, thighs still throbbing from the YouTube workout I just finished, freshly showered, two dogs napping next to me while I write. I’m not madly printing something out and figuring out what I’m going to wear and packing a lunch and letting the dogs out one last time and making sure there’s at least two hours left on my audiobook.
 
I’m on summer break, even if it is the strangest summer break of my life, where each day has tentative plans that may or may not happen, and it’s impossible to see far enough ahead to do practical things like book plane tickets, build itineraries.
 
Still, I’m ticking things off, slowly, one sub-task at a time:
 
-clean out spare bedroom for Sarah
-finish transition documents for Paul
-figure out food and transportation for Yosemite retreat
 
 
**

In Central California, it was a weird spring—far wetter than normal, and colder, too. We were all glued to our weather apps for flood alerts, and when we met in line at the grocery store, all we could talk about was the rain. So much rain.
 
Last year I don’t remember ever wearing a winter coat and this year I took it out to wear and put it away four times thinking that was it, winter had to be over, before taking it out once again.
 
I even wore socks to bed every single night—me, the living furnace. This morning, I woke up shivering, and for a long moment before it all came back to me, I struggled to remember what day it was, what month.
 
But a new season is coming.
 
It’ll be here before we know it.

It'll be here, whether we're ready or not.
 
*
 
1 Comment

    Paula Treick DeBoard

    Just me.

    Archives

    August 2023
    July 2023
    May 2023
    April 2023
    March 2023
    January 2023
    December 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    December 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    February 2019
    December 2018
    August 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    December 2017
    May 2017
    August 2016
    July 2016
    May 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    June 2015
    November 2014
    October 2014
    June 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012
    October 2011
    September 2011
    August 2011
    July 2011
    June 2011
    May 2011
    April 2011
    March 2011
    February 2011
    January 2011
    November 2010
    October 2010
    September 2010
    August 2010
    July 2010
    May 2010
    April 2010
    March 2010
    February 2010
    January 2010
    December 2009
    November 2009
    October 2009
    September 2009

    Categories

    All

    RSS Feed

.paula.deboard@gmail.com
  • Home
  • About paula
  • Books
    • Here We Lie
    • The Drowning Girls
    • The Fragile World
    • The Mourning Hours
  • paula's blog
  • MISCELLANEA
  • What I'm Reading
  • Contact