October 21: 11 Days after surgery

I'm at the stage of recovery where I am, frankly, cranky as hell. 

I would like to lift my arms over my head. I would like to shampoo my own hair. I want to drive my car and not be driven somewhere. The porch is a mess, and I would like to sweep it. I want to do something as benign as sit in a coffee shop and drink a latte and people watch. I am itching to shelve a million books at the store. 

I would like to not sit on the couch for more than half the day. I would like to sleep in my own bed again, on my side, with my husband and our snuggly, sometimes annoying pups. I would like to not watch so much TV. I would like to not have to wear baggy shirts and sweaters that somewhat cover my drains. I would like to move my body without measuring each reach and stretch. I want these drains out. I want this binding off. 

I warned you: cranky as hell. 

**

Thank goodness for friends who have come over, bearing flowers, soup, sandwiches, popcorn and candy for movie-watching, funny cards, puzzle books, novels I should read... 
They have sat on my couch while my ill-behaved dogs climbed all over them and barked at every passing car (we're all a little cranky around here, tbh). They have brought news of the outside world (it's a bit of a mess), their careful questions and best wishes. They have kept us sane. 

I'm so grateful. 

**

Speaking of grateful...

The hospital sends me an envelope that contains only a folded piece of paper. It's too small for the inevitable bill (which is going to give me a heart attack, I'm sure), but I open it carefully, puzzling over the contents. 

It reads:

"Dear Patient, 
During your recent surgery or procedure, you received a tissue graft from MTF Biologics. This graft was made from donated human tissue. As a tissue transplant recipient, we are inviting you to write a letter of thanks to your donor or donor's family. Many donors or donor families may never learn about the impact of their gift and appreciate receiving a card or letter..."  It goes on.

Um, what? I haven't spoken to my surgeon other than to exchange messages about my healing, so I haven't heard anything about this. I add this question to the list for when I see her on Thursday. What tissue? What part of me used to belong to someone else? 

I'm not mad about it, mind you. I have the designation on my driver's license that I would  be a donor myself, if that's how things shake out. I admire the heck out of donors, like people who give up a kidney to a complete stranger. I'm only surprised, because I didn't know this was on the (operating) table. 

I've been sitting with this information for a few days now, thinking it through, the path that my new body is on, my alien body, that right now feels very strange to me -- new parts, borrowed parts, old parts. 

Will the real Paula please stand up? (Slowly, carefully, and without using your arms.)

**

I'm burying the lede, as Will would say. The good news is, that after the meeting with the oncologist, I've learned that I don't need chemotherapy. This is what my surgeon, Dr. N predicted, based on a number of factors that go into something called an Oncotype score that measures the risk of cancer recurrence. Because my cancer was caught early, because it was small, because I don't have the gene mutation, because of the type of cancer it is and isn't, because it hadn't spread to the lymph nodes, because of the treatment I chose and because I'm (relatively) young, I have a low Oncotype score, and there would be little benefit to chemotherapy. 

Instead I'll start hormone therapy in November, although the exact course of treatment is still a bit unclear. I'm relieved, though still somewhat dubious. Every person I've told has replied with, "You can keep your hair!" and I'll admit that's wonderful. Not that my hair is so great, but it's mine. I battle it every day with conditioner and leave-in conditioner and a wide-toothed comb, but I still want that battle, for as long as I can fight it. 

Next up: say your prayers and cross your fingers (I'm doing both) that these drains can come out on Thursday.